How to be the Perfect College Gentleman

By Austin Albert

UW-Madison

  1. Learn to handle your liquor

This is the most important thing you can do if you want people to even start respecting you.  No one wants to be the guy that has to be taken care of, or gets kicked out of the party early.  If you’re the person who can keep up with everyone AND not pass out early, people will love you for it.  Even if you have to take care of a few drunken friends, you’ll develop a reputation of someone who can always have a good time without being a total shitshow.

  1. Get decent grades

Doesn’t sound like much fun, and it will take some work but it’s worth it.  You don’t have to get straight A’s.  As long as you get good enough grades to not be seen as a total dumbass, you’re pretty much set.  As a plus, you can help out friends with homework, something they’ll remember when they’re buying you drinks.  Take the time on Monday or Tuesday when no one is doing anything anyway.  Hit the books and you’ll be thankful later.

  1. Study a language, preferably French

I’ll be honest, I know zero French.  But knowing another language, especially French for some reason, is badass.  It’s also sexy as fuck.  You can understand lines from classic literature, or work as a makeshift interpreter in a pinch.  Like getting good grades, it will take some time.  However, most people look at anyone who can fluently speak another language as a genius.

  1. Get in shape

You don’t have to have six pack abs.  Just be in shape enough to look like you know your way around a weight room, and you can run a mile.  Getting in shape is a great way to meet new people.  Also, others will be impressed by your commitment.  As an added bonus, you’ll kick ass any time you play a game of pick-up basketball with your out of shape friends.

  1. Learn a musical instrument

Much like another language, knowing how to play an instrument is sexy.  Everyone loves musicians.  I would suggest learning piano or guitar.  If your singing voice isn’t terrible, it’s nice to be able to accompany yourself.  With some practice, you’ll be able to play tons of popular songs (most songs on the radio today only involve four chords) or be able to write songs for your friends.  Or write songs for girls.  They like stuff like that.

  1. Read

This one sounds super nerdy, but it’s not.  If you read basic bestsellers you’ll open yourself to a whole new world of jokes and information.  Knowing what classic novel a TV episode or movie is based on will make you look super smart.  Or just knowing who wrote Fahrenheit 451 might help you on trivia night with your friends.  Even setting aside ten minutes a day to read will make you look cultured, sophisticated, and the right amount of nerdy.

  1. Minimalize Tweets/Facebook posts

Why you ask?  Mystery.  No one likes the guy who is always blowing up their news feed with stuff they don’t care about.  This means no sharing stupid chain messages, no game requests, and no political messages.  It’s good to have an opinion, but most people have their own opinions, so they won’t really care about yours.  By keeping your social media to a minimum, you’ll make yourself look calm, reserved, and intriguing.  More people will actually want to hear your opinion if it’s something you only give on rare occasions.