5 Valentine’s Day Activities for Singles

by Robby Torrence

1. ValenTinder – Find yourself the temporary love of your life for the evening. They might not be the “bring home to mom” type, or even the “let your roommate see her/him” type, but they definitely are a type and she/he definitely will let you inside after only 4 hours of knowing each other. Just swipe right until you’re wrong.

2. Reconnect with your Ex – If your last relationship didn’t end with you both banging each other’s friends and posting the other’s nudes on the Internet, then why not rekindle an old flame and go out for a drink? Sure, it may seem odd that you’re hitting them up on a day that is known for getting it in, but would Abraham Lincoln have ended slavery by extended aims of civil war without going out on a limb?

3. Buddy System – Find another friend that is as lonely as you are and go out to one of your favorite bar(s). There’s a 100% chance you’ll run into another pair with the same filthy intentions. If you buy them a drink and play your cards right, you might have a good chance of getting ready for church with a complete stranger in your bed the next morning.

4. Enjoying your own company – Sometimes in life, you find yourself staring down the bottom of a bottle alone. Don’t be ashamed of spending Valentine’s day by yourself in your apartment drunk off of cheap liquor, even though the only other person you might be seeing that night is  the stoned pizza man. That doesn’t mean you can’t make the most of the night by enjoying the solitude. “If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company” – Jean-Paul Sartre.

5. Fifty Shades of Grey – Everyone and their sexually-deprived mother knows the local movie theaters are going to be a hunting ground, especially 125 minutes after the release of the highly-anticipated, bondage love story. There are going to be new standards for what you do behind closed doors, and definitely some stragglers hanging around after looking to test out this new trend of weird (and almost scary) sex.